Sleep deprivation

This is going to be a real journal. in real life. in real time. I've had a really hard time sleeping lately as i've written before the wheels are turning and grinding i can hear them and their rusty gears squealing keeping me awake. sleep does not come easy around here. i think and i write and sometimes thats enough to turn it off. i don't have any medicine to aid me this time, i'm doing it all on my own. Last night i meditated for the first time in... i don't know how long. Forever. Before i did i could feel my whole body tensing up it was getting sick i could feel it my stomach my head my throat my nose my whole body was hurting. STRESS. I get stressed the fuck out. for real. So i meditated it seemed like the only solution, so i did it. It was quick and short but amazing. I don't think i've ever done it that quickly and easily and skillfully. i let myself sink through the mattress and into the floor until i was buried in the earth and the earth welcomed me completely it dissolved me made me feel whole, a part of something. its hard to describe of course but it was fucking fantastic. the best kind of hug. and it told me i was healing and love. and i knew this was true.