Poem

I tasted your pearly white teeth
and your tongue underneath
I got caught up in the blade of a knife
and the stabbing wound that would ensue
Where are you Marley?
We went both ways but separately
We cleaned our teeth and cleaned our sheets
This made up bed is too pretty!
Where are we to go in this dirty world?
A gala at the mall, a holiday spree?
These chocolates are talking
but not to me

Enlightenment

It is GOOD to be back. Who would have thought a little family holiday visit could be so enlightening. I think I'm officially out of the funk no more feeling sorry for myself or unworthy. There is nothing wrong with me, men can't control their biology anymore than i can. I was made to nurture and nurture i shall, and one day a man will come along and appreciate that nurturing side of me. I learned a lot about family and where i came from and how i came to be. I've come a long way and still have further distances to breach. But i can and i shall because my will is strong and my love is even stronger. smile.

WHOA

is christmas always this depressing? I can't remember but probably. At least on new years you get to party, if only i had someone amazing to kiss this year. We'll see, depressed as i may be i'm obviously hot and wanted but fuck, please want me for something more than my BODY, jk BUT REALLY. Oh journal at least i don't have to lie to you and thank god you can't speak.

triangle

I chose a triangle to represent my inner strife
I'm always striving to be a square, to get those even sides.
But i am just a triangle in between strides.

I'm back

I'm back baby! Resilient and strong

Hearing them take the trash away, everything is okay. It always is. It always turns out this way. Who could love life more. Maybe I've always been this lucky, but it never seizes to amaze me. I love living.

Real

I tried to cry today but I couldn't really do it. What happened? I used to be so good at it. I just want a good solid cry and maybe all the daze and confusion will melt away. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I can't figure out how to fix the problem and change the pattern. I'm so scared of you going away from me I don't think i could take it again. My heart couldn't bear it so please please please this time don't break it. Things have been going so well! Why do I have to be scared? I need to be brave. I need to be okay.

to do list

get bike
buy typewriter
make movies
music
love

Disillusionment strikes like a snake in the grass. As i am bitten it's poison starts to seep into my veins and my mind begins to ponder about my creator again. Maybe i was created from a page in a book, or a song that was sung. Wherever i came from it must have been long long ago. I can feel the antiquity in my soul. Maybe theres a hint of my name or face written somewhere in stone. Or in a story that begins once upon a time and ends in.... the end.

truth goodness and beauty in a classic way

the end of art
the examined life

freedom

existence precedes essence

reflex. reflexion. reflection.

Beauty is in it's blemishes

I couldn't have done it alone
I needed fresh eyes and a smooth tongue
My pallet was dry as my body was in a hot sweat
my breath it wept and sighed in your presence
I lied i said, and I'd do it again!
If only you could teach me how to move.
The sun was setting as all the trees slept.
The world it gets silent for a couple of seconds.
We hear it and take a deep breath as we drift.
And never look back again.

How Pretty

I need a type writer. I am typing. Things are good. Really Good. I'm typing. Things are good. Really good. I'm typing. Really good. Things are good. Remix.

It's coming down to the days where I'd rather sleep and stay in bed than ever be awake. Leaving the comfort and warmth of my own bed is like leaving my mothers womb and thus entering into the cold, lonesome world of the sun. If only there were someone here to share this warmth.

Ooh, My love is so misplaced.
Ooh, My love is so far away.

An apology

Forgive me father, For I have sinned.

A pulse

Things are pulling at me from all kinds of directions. Expanding and contracting, pushing trying to get something out of me. What is it that pulls and tugs at me, which compels me to even move? What is that drive, that desire to create, to see and be seen, to speak and be spoken to, to feel and be felt. What is the intention of desire, to possess to capture something which can never last?Are artist just collectors of the past, living cameras with pictures? This on going MESS of imagery saturating my eyes, my thoughts, my mind, my being, my body. It's some kind of torture and eternal struggle between my eyes and my mind and my head and my heart. All these names of different things that all tell me the same thing. Repeated until the point of exhaustion and absurdity. To where everything defies explanation. What happened to the mystery, that innocence i once possessed about the world? I've tied it down. Denied it room to grow. Possessing it without reverence or concern for the possessed. Eternal return. Everything repeats. Days do seem infinite. Is life only finished through death? I think some artist are saviors, not in a holy all redeeming, sin saving sense but in the sense of collecting a moment and suspending it in time and in peoples mind for a period of time. Artist are continually reflecting back the information currently being received and perceived from society and reflecting it back to the public eye in a preposterous yet thoughtful and sometimes profound way. What can be worst in the publics mind than the death of a star. The tragedy of the death of a star. A star is born. A star dies. Why must we have this desire to be like stars. The irony of celebrity. We look up to the stars. I try to look up to the ones above my head but the ones on the magazine seem so much closer to me! Some people must have gotten their priorities misplaced somewhere along the way. Figuring out the game of word play, mistaking one thing for the next. Something ever present but ever so far removed. What is this affinity towards that which can never be touched and never forgotten called; Love?

I think

We were put here To watch things grow.

Remember

that time when you said, "Let's make a mess."

Let's make a mess.

Remember. That time. When you said.

Remember, That time, When you said...

Remember that time.

When you said.

I do.

The void

Some people express things so well, and sometimes I feel like I am not one of those people. I often find it difficult to find words that truly express an experience which really defies explanation. I see it as someone grasping for something which can never really be reached. It's beyond the realm of linguistics. Language is a craft like any other and can be molded in any way you choose, yet it's the most delicate of crafts because it is so fleeting and at times completely inaccurate. The only way i could ever accurately describe anything I'm ever trying to relate to you would be if you could see the world as I've seen it through my own eyes and experiences since birth. So how can i ever be sure that the person, in that moment, listening to my words, is feeling the full intention and meaning of the words I'm choosing to relate to them. It's an understanding which has made a tremendous mark but lacks the ability to be completely defined. It's a void, but not a void as in a cold, dark,
hole... But a void as in an all in composing experience. A void to me is something that grasps you from every direction or dimension. So really when i'm trying to explain my experience with you what I'm essentially doing at that given moment in time is swimming in the void while simultaneously trying to catch a fish. I'm learning more and more that words are a very powerful form of energy. They're a tool that can easily take energy away from a person, or as in agreement, can be shared and mutually appreciated. So i feel that it is important to choose your words wisely because your words are a part of your craft.

Making it big

And beautiful. My eyes are cameras. They're recording right now. Everything I've ever seen and done, theres a tape in my brain and sometimes it repeats things. Small details that add up to nothing and everything. With out this perspective, without these recordings i might have stayed on repeat. But now I'm actually playing, no more fast forwards and no more rewinds. Just here and now in every moment as one slowly fades into the next. And this is so exciting, watching the colors change. I must be in love with everything.

Insanely Beautiful or Beautifully Insane?

What an interesting thing to think about. Everything seems to be going the right way with me, I love this feeling and i hope it stays. Things have fallen into a very beautiful place, but i need to sleep. And i need to dream. I love all of these little complexities that keep life interesting, i love living.Oh bird, keep me under your wing and in your comfortable nesting, for I must just be hatching. Or have I merely decided to use my wings? Either way i will be soaring soon. I've decided to surrender and let the wind take hold of me.

Reveal Your Secrets

and the truth shall set you free.

Infinite in finite

Why does everything have to have a fucking name? Down to the very smallest thing, we're smart let's fucking categorize and name everything! That way we can see everything as something separate from ourself! Fuck these names. Everything is a part of everything else. Can't we just leave it at that? Theres just so much, it's so overwhelming. Some guy wrote it down and then it was so. This is what this will be called throughout all time! Fuck time. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck school. But most of all fuck you biology 2. I'm wearing thin man, life is hard, especially when you understand yourself as something infinite in finite, and thats what this entire blog is about. It's about me trying to deal with an infinite universe in a finite duality infested belief system. I live in a place based on time and numbers and tests and a lot of other fucking shit that really doesn't matter to me but because I'm here it's forced upon me, it's forced upon me to find some meaning in nothing. And it's moments like these, moments of despair which make me feel human again. They fill me with passion and anger and sadness, they give me something to write about. It's a feeling of intensity that we all crave and as the tears slowly crawl down my face it gives me something to think about, it gives me hope for change and what i really want and what really matters to me. So in that case, i'll play the fucking game, i'll remember all your names and forget them the next day. I'll do it but one day everything will change and we'll all be okay with being infinite and less concerned with trying to define everything, because it's just too much for one being.

Today it rained, tomorrow it will rain, it is raining

The summer of rain, where NOBODY got to go out and play. Oh what a horribly depressing thing!

We're starting a new religion

Raise up your spirits! Raise them up to the sky! If you believe in anyone believe in yourself. Love thyself before thy neighbor so that you can better love thy neighbor! Make sure your values are of your own, for those who preach, preach mostly of power and subordination! Stay true to yourself and others will follow.

Saying all the right things At the wrong time.

You be you, and I'll be me. Okay go. I'm me. You're you. Now what would we say, what will we do? Our eyes meet and you say "hello" i smile and say "hi" then look away. As i look up and my eyes greet yours, with confidence i say, "My name is chantelle and i've seen you before" Now you're smiling and say "Yes i remember, here is my name, but how did you find me?". Well, I've always been, i say, But where were you before?. Between now and here, tomorrow and yesterday, but here with you, always.

Moving on

To safer ground. I feel calm knowing you'll never harm me again. For once I've said nearly all I've wanted to say to you for a long time, all i really wanted was a goodbye. All i wanted was to be recognized. Now i know you will whether you say it or not, i will no longer be denied. Everything is calm. Everything is resolved.

I found my voice

I found my style, from now on shit's going to get WILD.

Yes you May

I like where this is heading. I'm on my way. A way. There is a path. I've found it, I've lost it, I've circled it's perimeters.. and in the end decided to follow it. So here i am, on it. Where exactly it's going is uncertain, but then again sometimes you just gotta have...

When coincidence goes too far

Do we really have a choice?

Parting the c's

(you)-------(me)
like bridges.
Better if it looks pretty, put more color.
what color? color-ink.
/\{--------}/\
shouting through peaks
peek- a - boo!
a hidden (you)
find (me)
l-words, like lovely
please don't frost the cake.

Can i get a

Hell yeah!!! Can i get a Heavens no! Can i get a.... i dunno. But wouldn't it be nice to have instant crowd response for every word i write. Maybe there is some program i can download that can add some emotional response to my words. Right now they'd be going boooo we want more! Oh your so hard to please invisible crowds! If i can think it i can do it, right? Right. It's too fucking early for me to be writing is 1:20pm i fought waking up for an hour today i had a stupid dream about work and then one with cheerleaders, i don't know? Sometimes i get the feeling my worlds are flipped consciously dreaming and unconsciously living. I'm a floater donny a ripple. Like i said, too early. I'm hungry i need a shower and i have 40 minutes to do all that and fly out the door to work. I get a paycheck today and i can already tell you it's probably disappointing, but i can hear the crowd still cheering me on. Money boo, freedom yay!!!! If only. Today is invisible crowd day, i'll have them silently cheering and booing me on throughout the day.

A day in the life of

This blog generally isn't about myself and in fact it has almost nothing to do with me besides random thoughts and observations from oblivion. But today is different, today i feel like letting you, the reader, whoever the fuck you are... know something about me and my day. Why you're reading this is actually beyond me, but here it goes. Today i went to work. I live in san marcos and three days out of the week i work in austin and two out of five i work in kyle. Today was kyle day at the after- school ymca. I've been feeling anxious and restless because i have this huge pressure like i have to get everything done and figure out my future in a day. I don't know why but that's just how it is. So i have some anxiety issues, who the fuck doesn't? I want things to be perfect. Anyways, i was feeling pretty down because lately i haven't been able to make any kind of fucking decision, and why should i have to i'm fucking TWENTY. Twenty years old and lost as fuck. Here i am. Anyways so i decided to take a drive, it took me to Wimberly and even when i'm lost i still know where i'm going. I sat by the river and put my feet in, it was cold, it was private property but i didn't care. The hill country is beautiful. I came home, i ate a slice of leftover pizza, drank some whiskey turned up the 70's music channel on our cable television and cleaned up after my roommates. So here i am, same as I was before nowhere... but at least i have a clean floor. Thats it.

I'll never see you again

but you made me love you for a day.

Human vs animal

Truth is truth. Be who you are and nothing else. because it hurts when you're not. and sometimes when you act for too long you become the act. Act like you're successful and you will be. Act like you're a loser and you are. Act like yourself and act like you're doing exactly what you want to be doing and you will. Then maybe, just maybe... YOU WILL BE HAPPY. Because happiness is a possibility. and i believe it.

this is my ticket but you've passed me by

this one is about COLOR. this one is about VIBRANCE. this one is about {{{RADIATION}}}. this one is about sublimation.this one is about Michaelangelo, the teenage mutant ninja turtle. this one is about you fucking me in pink. (this was as pink as i could get) this one is about the trees and how they watch over us. This one is about the middle and lack of appreciation in light of the color grey. (although the middle is often my favorite part). Blue. This was you. and this is my art. this ONE is about a single word. and this one is about the whole entire thing.

Atom

We wrote a story together before we were even born, we were writers, we were lovers. We planned it out then took the plunge, together forever. Our roles were cast. The stage was set. But as always, complications arose. Telling the tale should be the easy part but it's not. A story of this magnitude can hardly be accurately expressed in words. Only remembered and lived and learned and maybe one day loved and retold.

that time you wrote a song

Someone with so much to say can hardly be confined by a day. Distance has been passed without traveling many miles. Miles to come but surely we haven't been there yet. There's so much! So much yet to be done, worlds pass by in this minute that I've spun between words and video. I can't say much, I've got to go, but if i had the time if i had no confine, i'd tell you worlds of things i didn't know, and wish i did. If i had the time, i'd tell you everything, every little bit.

About me

About you. We're sitting, we're starring. It's a wall, it's a screen. I'm typing, what am i saying, what the fuck am i saying? This means something. This means nothing. This means everything to me about you. Voices of grander silenced by waves of infinite ever vanishing never-lasting time. This is our time. You know what I'm saying, even if you don't "know". Get in the know. now. It's been awhile since i last saw you here. We'll meet in space, we'll dance with grace, we'll smile, we'll laugh we will forget the past. and so much more... and so much more.