Hello

i have a new blog, all of this was better than i thought

Goodbye

They are definite rivals in which battle lines are drawn between the past and the future, tradition versus innovation, order versus rebellion, logic versus intuition, the status-quo versus revolutionary changes, and the list goes on. The fact that an American presidential election happens today -- not just influencing the USA, but also the entire world -- is par for the course that the universe loves to tinker with human affairs and earthly happenings. Everyone now has to do a delicate balancing act -- internally and externally -- as these two giant planetary archetypes push us all to the brink. Fear (Saturn) is now in many ways combating the urge toward liberation (Uranus). Nevertheless, the shattering of old bounds and established ways of doing things is always unsettling and, in this case, can be true

If you were beautiful and haunted too I'd steal your wings and eat your eggs for breakfast if you were beautiful you wouldn't need to steal it from me If you were beautiful then i would pour myself a cup of lemonade and drink with the thought of sour tastes on my tongue about the maid and the way things are run

I do I do I am I am I do I do I am I am I do I do I am I am I do I do I am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i do i am iam ido ido i am aim i do i do i am i am i do i do i am i am i do i am i do i am i do i am i do i am i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i am i do i am i do i am i do i am ido i am i do i am i do i am i do i do i do i am i do i am

there is a rhythm in everything that i do

I'm turning over a new leaf, leaves.

Limbo

Currently on a writing slope... going down mind you. My focus is still on other things my mind is always in another place making it difficult to care about things like SCHOOL and GRADES i have the ability to make a's and b's but the will isn't exactly there anymore. I'm letting some of my a's slowly slip to b's and c's oops. It's fixable maybe. I wish i had an interpreter or an existential detective. Why can't things be like the MOVIES? The problem is that movies usually end on a good and uplifting note they don't show you what happens after that nice and uplifting time in the characters life. What if shortly after they attain everything they've ever dreamed of they get hit by a truck? Or their one true loves has a quicky in the bathroom with another person. What about that? WHAT ABOUT THAT. Life isn't a movie. Life is a trial a game a move to make. So how do I interpret all of this new information? YOU KNOW? How stubborn am I? Is it worth it? If not what is? What else is there? What else what else what else. GIVE ME A SIGN with a detailed description of what that sign means because otherwise are they meaningless? I could receive a slap in the face from god and misinterpret it as a kiss on the cheek from the sun. Is that a misinterpretation? Too many questions.

I B leaves U

A leaves
B leaves
C leaves
D leaves
E leaves
F leaves

Can't grow a garden without shit

Going back and forth from Pure Being to Human Suffering I must trust that everything I'm doing is right for me to continue playing out this drama for as long as it takes to be in a state of pure being all the time or at least at a higher frequency in time and space for the rest of my days here on earth

Playing the role of College Art Student number 632

Notes to self

stop caring what other people think
stop trying
just be
and
thats
it

its okay to be alone, it's okay to be lonely stop trying to fit in to an idea of the way things are "suppose" to be

stop trying

Well

I guess that i just don't know

Looks Good

Tastes Better
Calling Card Games
Remember When
Make it Happen
in the NOW moment
thats what we do
thats how we try
the night sky is bigger
than a lonely river
You swallowed it down
Big and Better now
You're a doctor with a spell
Witch cant tell
It will all be okay
In the morning
I swear to you right now

Yes

The Boats been rocked my friend
Theres only storms on the weekends
Time changes things in a second
My fawn breathes like morning air
counting down the seconds
the way the wind looks in your hair
undulation is about climate control
the meter stops as the clock strikes 10
whenever we think we think of him

Laurie Anderson

Data

Collecting as it were
Masters of Comfort
Behold such a character
The Wolf and the Wardrobe
Something Happened
We don't know What
He'll figure it out
As the tide turns
Infants learned
Imagination stirred
Creation meant something Bold
The overture was overheard
the slippers were slipping
masks over word

Milk & Honey

The door bell rang
I sat there pleading on your doorstep
Tears in your eyes
You wanted to call for help
I wouldn't let you
The dogs came and drank
Tomorrow will never come
Before the day is done
When there are no more
Bells to be rung

The Idea of Perfect. Perfection Escapes me.
But some things come close, sometimes.
Sometimes Things Come Close.
Some Things Take a Long Time and Are far away.
Someone Loves you Some Place Some Where
All The Time
Some Day
I Will Get There.

Where time goes

What happens in the Dark?

Upside down or Right side up?

For Marilyn

The leaves are turning
from red to gold,
when you coming home
we're all getting old

Every time I start to feel like I'm winning I have to stop and I realize there is no such thing as winning or losing. It's a never ending battle to survive this illusion these thoughts in between whats real and not real mean. If there is such a thing I don't know. Most of the time I feel like i don't even live in this world. I'm the last one of my kind... waiting for the shuttle to come and pick me up and take me back home to where I belong to where love is freely given all the time

Bill...

Love is an object kept in an empty box

Thank youz

Thank You Mom for giving birth to me on LIVE teleVISIOn,
(hope it was as fun for you as it was for Me)
Thank You Jezus Christ for hangin out long enuf to SAVE me
Thank You Grocery store Bagger for plastic wrapping my fOod
Thank You Mr handy man for returning my TOOLS in a TIMEly fashion
Thank You FASHION for making me look so darn good
Thank You Good for being Good even when i'm Bad, or wish to be
Thank You Starz for listening to my Wishes
Thank You PRAYERZ for being kind to my Friendz n Family
Thank You Boss for giving me dollar MONEY
and Last but not Least Thank You Moon for just bein there
Oh ya, and don't forget to thank ME for being soup air cool.

Your Welcome,

now say pleaz...

I had this strange dream that i was eating lunch with my mom in this cafe in the middle of downtown San Marcos but downtown had turned into this crazy hip metropolitan area with all these super model-esque beings walking around, we switched tables and after that i went to go to the bathroom? But ended up just walking around outside in awe like wtf has happened? I remember there was this fancy looking condo like building and the name of it was HERE in big letters and i was like thats cool i could be living in here now. Anyways so i went back inside the restaurant and the guy had brought our food to the wrong table so i had to move it and the whole time i was moving our salad to the other table where my mom was the guy was yelling at me in japanese which i mostly ignored and tried to tell him to stop bringing our food to an empty table. Anyways when i got back to the table and sat down my mom said she had been crying and wanted to go and asked where i had been and why i didn't want to sit next to her to which i explained i had just gone to the bathroom and to look around for a bit. WEIRD. Next dream was probably even weirder... i think it was like some crazy murder that took place in this weird old house eddie murphey? was in it and he was a priest dressed in all white who was being adored by all these women even thought he was a priest he was flirting with all of them... and then he killed someone i think and i watched the whole thing i just remember there being broken glass everywhere as i walked down the various levels of wooden stairs i finally stopped and sat on one of the levels and tried to start cleaning up the glass with my hands as my old cat came and sat down next to me i was worried about him getting cut but he never did... as i was scooping up the glass with my hands i realized that a broom would be more efficient and then i woke up... Very movie like

Fun with Ashes

I'm a plan of action kind of man... WOman. This whole gender role thing is confusing me.

Reality is Reality is Reality is reality is

John Foxx

So I've only been finding DEAD scorpions lately. I think I'm finally starting to win the battle, this is a good sign. I might not have to buy a chicken after all. Or maybe i will. Anyway i am overjoyed at this triumph over them! Things are starting to look much better around here overall. I have my work cut out for me still.

ha!

Hi!

Auburn and Ivory

Definition of a loner

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Many people have times when they are alone through circumstances or choice. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individual's control. Solitude is the state of being alone and secluded from other people, and often implies having made a conscious choice to be alone. Loneliness is therefore unwilling solitude.

In their growth as individuals, humans start a separation process at birth, which continues with growing independence towards adulthood. As such, feeling alone can be a healthy emotion and, indeed, choosing to be alone for a period of solitude can be enriching. To experience loneliness, however, can be to feel overwhelmed by an unbearable feeling of separateness at a profound level. This can manifest in feelings of abandonment, rejection, depression, insecurity, anxiety, hopelessness, unworthiness, meaninglessness, and resentment. If these feelings are prolonged they may become debilitating and prevent the affected individual from developing healthy relationships and lifestyles. If the individual is convinced he or she is unlovable, this will increase the experience of suffering and the likelihood of avoiding social contact. Low self esteem will often trigger the social disconnection which can lead to loneliness.

In some people, temporary or prolonged loneliness can lead to notable artistic and creative expression, for example, as was the case with Emily Dickinson. This is not to imply that loneliness itself ensures this creativity; rather, it may have an influence on the subject matter of the artist.

unicorns in the stars
foxes in my yard
blue red violet shards

Crash, Burn, Destruction

Since i've started "detoxing" my dreams have suddenly returned it's like people get to nag at me in my sleep and it's kind of UNFAIR. The night before last i had a dream about my boss at art palace, an old friend and some guy who wants his movie back. Shit man. I usually have fairly plausible straight forward dreams. Last night i had a dream about being in a tornado a pretty hardcore one that destroyed a lot of the city i was in. I remember hiding in some kind of school establishment and crouching down protecting my head as glass shattered all around me. Pretty fucked. I don't remember feeling scared just like everything in the room was whirling around me and maybe even i myself was whirling to. Apparently this is a BAD sign according to the DREAM DICTIONARY that i referred to. I don't know and after all this i have the nerve to start feeling GUILTY when i was sure that that feeling was not in my programming.

Dear Blog

I got a job as a flower arranger delivery girl person. It's probably going to be the best job I've had yet. It involves playing with ribbons and strings and flowers and FUNERAL arrangements. I'm kind of excited mostly because i really won't even be working that much but i gotta make that MONEY stuff. Gotta make a living so i can fit in right where i belong. So i'm beginning to see that i have more of a scorpion problem than i thought. Today i saw one during the DAYTIME which is a first... i read a billion and one things on how to get rid of them and i think the best thing i read was to get rid of my fears and to love them. This is hard especially because i believe that kind of shit thinking actually works(jk about the shit part). Yes. So anyway... I think i'm done. This real talk stuff is BORING me.

You look like me

I knew this would happen. At 10pm i was tired and ready for bed and i said to myself, Self you should go to sleep now while you are still sleepy. And then i said to myself, Self you have to draw because you neglected all the things you were suppose to do for school over the weekend. And so i began to draw and while forcibly creating i started to think about how much more there still was to be done and how theres no real motivation in my thoughts to do any of those things anytime soon as i still have not settled back into the idea of being in school. So here i am it is merely 12am which is still early but i can already feel that tinge of insomnia kicking in again. I took a long nap today as my interview was canceled. The more i sleep, the more i want to sleep again. Yes but as usual i had to drag myself out of bed as people were calling with questions about my obligations and such. Well i do not know where this is heading only that i have too many thoughts unresolved. I am reflecting on all the reflections that i've reflected previously. Two infinite abysses reflecting one another the sky and the sea a well so deep, was that it chris? If it wasn't i think i wrote it better, of course. And so what else is there? Are my thoughts like yours? We must share something in common as we would not be conversing at this moment if we did not. Yes, you must be looking for something in me what it is i do not know. I want to stare at the stars until i fall asleep. My landlord is gone so i can stand out on my porch naked to the sky with the deer watching me. Yes, solitude is a wonder. I can hear dogs howling. I'd like to sleep or walk around garment less under the stars for a while. We shall see. Today in art history we talked about appropriation and it made me feel less like a thief and that there is no such thing as originality. Everything thats mine is yours to take and so we steal freely without remorse or pain. It made me think about things and what it means to be an artist. I had to repeat to myself several times today good things come to those who wait and some other poster book sayings. Grave and Graying. Why must i seek approval? A lot of the things we looked at were absolute shit worth a million dollars. Does it always work like this? The best thing i saw was a marcel duchamp ready made, the fountain(a mens urinal) photographed in front of a beautiful o keeffe painting (vagina-esque). It was brilliant if you ask me and pretty much summed up everything i think of anything these days. The beauty and the dirt are all the same it seems as one seeps into the other freely

Looking at the stars
and how they shine
why won't you fade
I saw firefly's tonight

Street Monsters

Everyone On PlanetEarth
Is Good Looking
How Could We stop
Winking Twinkling kingling
a head Full of Spaghetti
Girth and Warmth wormweed.
Wonder, Amusement, Astonishment, Special guests
(perks?) the works!
We All have Our Moments
Here On HeavenEarth

it's now or never

I'm going to start playing with my instruments, again.

Can't Stop

On a bench

If I forget does it cease to exist?

stumble prayer

http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Prayer.html

trying on golden shoes no i mean SLIPPERS just for fun
counting rain drop tear tones for PLEASURE
eating up every last scrap of CAKE in a HURRY
spelling out alphabet names in my CEREAL
not knowing whether sane is sane or insane is sane
feeling like a million and two cents but why BOTHER?
floating on cloud gods sail ships while taking a SHOWER
not wanting to but wanting it more than anything EVER
not knowing and knowing too much to succumb to
talking to Oprah Winfrey about the bad WEATHER

siiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhlence

silence.

Since when does eating and sleeping involve TRYING
i'm so god damn hungry i can't stop crying
another rainy day weather blues, this isn't a complaint
just a melodramatic life vein withering
i'm whimpering in my own imagined pain
the loss of usefulness is insane
when i get there i'll remember my true name
come gather and watch us on our roads claim to fame

Denis Leary Weary

If only i were half the cup as clever as you
overflowing in our youthful presents(cents) to the day
oh GAWD how i missed your xx face
if we keep pushing eventually we'll get through
i'm moving even though i forgot how to
every word written like a manual
i never told you where i was going
there is no script but we keep on writing
can i play in the fortress with you?
or will i be condemned to solitude?
i'll keep waiting by the steps with a bouquet full of gratitude
the only solace for a sleepless attitude

Looking HARD at the sun spots on your cheek
the mourning leaves do believe in sunshine
until the chapel comes to bed in gods night gown
you are dressing only to mislead others
your mothers saying was always to be brave
and to have a a head free of slaves
for the mourning glory of the stars face does not fade
and your beckoning is more than i can erase

You've been working hard my dish drain lover
Your heart is leaking on my kitchen floor
hangers by the front door on a weekend rain report
We're making it already like i said before
The oven was left on to record heat
the last four digits of your social are leading us to the end of the world
coy as your face might be when you look at me i do enjoy your disdain
the stains on my carpet won't come clean until i get some SERVICE in here
remembering the forgotten in order to overcome a place we thought we'd never find
we've been searching for a river of gold with a gulf in the straight of time

I haven't changed a bit, time is a spiral staircase

Background

Spring of 2004 I had just finished high school a semester early. I was working two jobs, one at West gate movie theatre and the other at a coffee shop off of 6th street. I was freer than ever. All of my friends were in school while I was out working and playing. I was in a band called the glass pact. From what I can recall it was one of the best springs in my most recent history. I got a lot done made some music money and close friends. I generally enjoyed myself and had a tendency to smoke pot and write in my room whenever my parents weren't home and i wasn't working. There was nothing better than an empty house that year.

Poems 2004 (pre-college)

Like an open book with missing pages he finds the perfect words to fill its vacancy.

The better you look the more you see he said.

You let the words drip from your lips to mine.

A taste like sour fruit.

And I wanted it more than ever.

Your skin like leather and I’d kill to have it wrapped around me.

This time forever.

When is the last time that you saw me and does it really matter?

You’ll always feel the same

Only time will change.

Nothing is as familiar as bad poetry.

And so my heart sleeps

Waiting to be awakened.


Crash calls crash calls crash calls Crash calls

The ring of a broken word

Against the backdrop of the falling sky

Moments weighed heavily in hefty trash bags

Waiting for flies to piddle in its warmth,

The stench of uncertainty hanging clearly in the air.

Soft words fall like razorblade kisses

And yet you speak to me with open wounds

Wed me in the holy matrimony of forgotten song.

And we’ll pretend like we never met.

Whisper like highway bliss

Palms sweat

Heartbeats Missed

We were on a train, the type of train that ends up leading you nowhere fast. The type of train that leaves you in a wreck yet you come out completely unharmed; physically. Mentally well… we all know that mentality moves and changes as if to keep up with the clocks ticking hands. You were there; you watched the whole thing take place. As if in slow motion you saw the faces in the crowd change like a picture show. Eye brows raise, faces fall, eyes close and mouths open. We all wanted something. We all wanted something to come home to, although I knew that nobody would be waiting up for my return and nobody would miss me when I didn’t show up that day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and absence is what made me want to hold on a little bit longer. Ten years later she was still a little girl, only dressed in women’s clothing with her face made up and her hair blown and sprayed to perfection, her eyes being the only thing to give away her true age. She lived her life like a window that wouldn’t close, forever letting the cold breeze fill up her space in the room. Her vocabulary would never reach volumes high enough to articulate what she truly thought she felt. He loved her. He loved her everything and anything, even the things he hated about her, he loved to hate them. Yet he kept his distance as best he could. He watched her beauty blossom like a flower and her mind whither from many years of keeping people out of her reach. When she made wishes she wished that she had less to wish for, but most of all she wished for him. She wished that they were lovers but knew it was better off this way. They tried to remember to forget each other. Like a parasite each memory ate away at their hearts.

"I can talk to everyone in the world at the same time"

Probably the coolest thing i've seen or heard in a long time

http://www.lookatbook.com/

Neat

Modern Living

http://ml.hoogerbrugge.com/

Making History on the daily
writing myself into books that were long forgotten
as they gather dust i gather grapes and stories
making wine out of pages and devouring every scrap in sight
i guess we were hungry, no starving.
I see color that doesn't exist, this world is an illusion
we have everything, everywhere always
Remember, time never forgets...

I think that we've forgotten something very important.

How do i say this to you without sounding strange? How do i fit into your perception of me and how I should or would sound? How do i keep up with this game and this face? I'm lagging. I feel restrained...theres too many people watching. My fault, i know. There are too many things rushing through my head, too many things i wish i could change and too many things depressing me. I come up only to be brought back down. I'm very tired and very lonely but i guess one of those things is only because i feel like i "should" be and i don't know whats expected of me anymore. I don't know how i should feel about anything i just feel very sad at the state of everything and this isn't like me. Theres something very big happening and i know i'm preparing myself now for when it gets really bad. I have to be strong and confident in my stance. I am a warrior in gods dance. But right now i am alone and afraid of everything that is to come. I feel so very sad and helpless. This happens to everybody but i am a rational person and i know myself well and i know this is significant because i do not pity myself in any way. I have everything but i am very sad at the state of things and as much as i shield myself from tv and news in general i can still feel the pains. I'm much too sensitive for these things i can feel the earth turning and breathing and it's at a shortness of breaths. It's been 3 years, do you remember? That was the first time i felt that the world as we knew it was ending and this time i can feel it with an awareness that i didn't have before. I didn't know why i was sad or angry or depressed all of the time. Now i know, this is my sword.

These I like

i thought i saw your face once
on 2nd avenue standing in the rain
i thought i saw your face
but it wasn't you
i did a double take to make sure
it wasn't you
the man looked at me kindly,
no it couldn't have been

no more game playing
i surrender to your sword
in front of all these dirty princesses you've laid before
i took my prom dress off for you goddamn whore
i said it but she's the one with the dirty mouth
i swear to god and jesus too please save me
i'll give you anything
even candy

it's always raining where i live i let the wolves in
they cleaned their claws and teeth in my blood
it's always raining when they live inside me
they're all dead red carried an ax didn't i tell you?

Meat Love

Daisies on my side of the rainbow
i can barely stand without having another drink
we danced languidly until the moon fell down
along with all the stars in this astroplane catastrophe
theres talk of a deficit and the crimes we've committed
all was said in the same breath as we saw inside each others reflection
we shot golden rods at each other with our lightning bolt intensity
and then had the nerve to be cool about it later
yes it is true there is no truce on the edge of a barrel
i hold my gun close and ready to shoot at a moments notice
i shoot at the stars sometimes at night when they're bright
too bright for my liking, i take them out whenever your not looking

I am a wanderlust, perpetually roaming and bumping into things here and there. what happened between then and now i will never know just that sleep beckons me and i answer again and again and again until my body finally gives in to eternal rest... why am i so tired? must i keep wandering?

i imagine myself now as it were in a deep void maybe standing on top of the moon or something yelling out to all of my fellow planetarians a deep and long Hhhhhelllllloooooo00ooO for as long as i could while tapping on your window with the tip of my finger on the glass waiting for a response hello? no response. it is for certain now that i am alone and yet i feel your presence breathing on my neck and don't you know how tickled i get by that feeling? it's almost unbearable. To say the least i will enjoy this quiet solitude for as long as it will keep me as my thoughts drip away like sweet honey.. dew.. water evening... noon

the ideas of good and evil chase tails around my head again in this space where there is no darkness and no light only a likeness of which i can see something now it looks like a planet, like a pinball no like a toy so delicate and joyous the marvel it brings to walk upon it from outer space it looks serene the delicacy of it's true being up close it's chaotic with a million and one martyrs running around with their heads cut off and still preaching of sovereignty while the masses bleed their blue red teeth soften in their suffering as the gaze at dusk does on a cold christmas eve

the loss and gain just about weighs on each other convincing me that its all the same and that observation is the real authority here nothing is free in this game where people forget what sharing is like with companies keeping them company instead of their own wives they stopped making it together a long time ago as he found that money pleased her better at least for a little while it did as she could never be satisfied by one thing alone because we are all greedy and built for banking and not love making, obviously.

I love this

*******************

Sunday Morning

dirty notebooks
with bad handwriting
a page numbered from one to ten
crossing out lessons learned

If i could say what i really wanted to say the words would flow directly from my brain to yours instead of out of my mouth because things just get muddled and complicated that way. No, if i could i would sit down and have a brain to brain with you maybe thats what i'm trying to do with art... it's not necessarily about the composition or how pretty it is or not it's about the thought and about the feeling maybe you understand it and maybe you don't but it's probably the best way i have of communicating somewhere deep down at that subconscious level maybe you can see it and me, i put my fucking soul on the line thats for sure and i don't know what else i can do but to keep on creating to keep on sharing and to hope that all is well read and well received and maybe just fucking felt like i want to be... Peat Duggins said something like with art you have the ability to change peoples hearts and i think thats true I'm on a mission maybe not to save the entire world but to save people on an individual level in some way or another as crazy and futile as it may seem sometimes and maybe it's not necessarily saving anyone maybe on a good day i could fool someone into thinking that they're less alone in the world. To me it's a comfort and theres a warmth in them that just wants to grab on and hold you for a minute and i guess thats really all i want to do is to grab people on multiple levels at once, from the heart

A sigh in my breast for the old West as i do recall it was a rather heroic time for cowboys and horses alike with the dusty wind on their side they ride out into the desert with the devil on their back and

a degenerate refrigerator running
finger on the trigger of a gun
It's moments like these where
you have to stop and wonder
Has GOD forsaken ME?
Forgetting momentarily that you don't BELIEVE
A high pitched scream is enough to stop a corpse dead
blistering, boasting
even heaven knows that the road to peace
is long and Bloody

Hahahaha

i want these.

getting over the hump
as i'm grinding my teeth
and starring at your boner
it's a hard deal pretending not to notice
you must have put it out there for something
i guess i should be flattered
it could be a royal compliment in another country
yet here in the land of the free all we can do
is be modest and hope that some other prick
points it out and tries to sell it to us
to stick it in our mouth for good flavor
and good measure
because nobody wants to go hungry
and everybody needs a good cock and some money

2

Taking a shit on the daily dollar
another two weeks goes by
and then a year
there are no more blues clues for you to find
only a fucking letter
that says
thanks, you fucking prick nows wheres my money?

1

Hungry for Blood
and
Thirsty for Bones
there are no fucking rules in this joint
cuz i killed them all
while you were sleeping
and as you slept i watched you
with your pretty face pushed up against the pillow
you said something
something like "i love you"
but you only said it in your dreams
and when you awoke you didn't remember
I'd light a fire in your fucking heart to help you
but i think i'll sleep in instead

I can't stop thinking, the same ideas keep turning and turning around in my head. I still don't really get time, it's not linear and maybe a part of me is stuck in the past or the future i just can't let go of it. Theres something there I'm sure of it. Am i as convincing as i think i am? Sometimes i feel like i have superpowers but right now it seems like those powers are at a low and it has me doubting my ability. I'm not a tyrant and i could never force anyone against their will only lye in wait hoping that somehow I've been felt.

I had a dream that i was waiting for a bus in front of someones house surfing their radio from across the street... i was waiting there for a long time now that i think about it or maybe it was a sequence of days either way the bus finally came and as i got on i saw this guy that i haven't seen in a while i guess he was happy to see me as he gave me a greeting saying he hadn't seen me in a while and told me i looked beautiful i guess the thing that struck me most when i woke up was that i had actually been waiting in the dream.. it was really boring just sitting there but you know.. i guess it makes sense i've been having short dreams sparingly all week and i'm not really sure what they're telling me

Some cool art shit

Mark Jenkins

Jackson Pollock

I really like

that i live in a place where, people like to ride their lawn mowers to visit neighbors... and seeing the moon right outside my window at night, almost full.

//kitty.cat/

This week

"MADE YOU LOOK"

and

"If you can't live with mystery then you can't walk with god"

I said i wasn't listening but i lied, i listen every week and every week i read what you say. I drive by and think and thank. Every single week i see you change and i even look forward to it.

I think cats favorite thing is for me to watch him eat. He knows it's there without me but he gets excited when i'm there watching. Isn't that strange? A cat that doesn't like to eat alone, or rather.. prefers not to. He got into my make up while i was gone, i caught him pink pawed. He missed me and i love him for it. He can't decide between his love of going outside or staying inside with me after he's been cooped up for so long. I guess i should move his food out of the bathroom to satisfy him, as i only really watch him eat while i'm peeing and thats a short time. That would make him happy i think, or maybe if i indulge him it'd be less exciting. hmm. love. I'm so much like alice it's not even funny, or maybe it is.

sleepdreamsleepdreamsleepdreamsleepdreamwaitsleepdreamsleepdreamsleepdreamwaitsleepdream it's raining it's pouring the old man is snoring as i'm dreaming away and she says answer me staring me right in the face and i can't as i don't understand this world sometimes because it makes no fucking sense the way it should be is not the way it is and thats just the way you have to live with it IN YOUR DREAMS is where it counts aparenlty but i don't know what that means either because they make no sense they're just moments that have been made up in my head for you to participate in whether you like it or not i'm taking you against your will holding you hostage in my head for a day and do you KNOW what you did in there? I couldn't tell you, it might embaress you or maybe you'd find it endearing i don't know, i miss miss miss you sometimes and i wish you would either go away for good or decide to stay here forever i can't decide which would be better all i know is that i want to keep sleeping and dreaming until the wait is over and there is no more to hope for

Like cinderella waiting with her glass shoe in hand my thoughts drift to far off lands like in the story books i read in my youth and what an effect they had on me! How can i keep from dreaming in a world like this where things come true only after waiting. How can i when my patience is wearing thin and my heart is fluttering like the leaves in the wind waiting for another season to grow in. It's time for sleep, won't you tuck me in and tell me when it's spring again I'll sleep until you wake me with kisses like a daydream and tell me it's all ending.

I'm building a new world in my head. It's amazing. So far it's hazy all i know is theres lots of fireworks, color explosions and fairytale creatures with color powers... get pumped it's coming.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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11111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111
1111111111111111111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111

making out with the star gods
listening to garbage in the moon light
talking trash about pretty people in school
drinking alcohol for the first time
touching on someone else's "private parts"
regretting it later
bragging about everything
feeling like a champ
looking at the dirt
wild at heart
contagious as wild fire
the dark
and the joy it brings
to see white horses
in daylight savings

On the Daily, Real Time

This week reads "GIVE MORE"

I'll let you interpret.

What a summer! Coming to a close just as quickly as it came like so many other things spinning around in my world sometimes when i know it's the end i just like to sit and watch for a moment, hold it, then let it go. So many things have happened that i can hardly remember. Maybe nothing happened, maybe everything is the same as it was and i just forgot. Things feel different though, before you know it I'll be one of those people too... graduated off doing other things, leaving. Soon enough, I keep waiting for it and when it comes what then? I don't know.. we'll see when friends report back i'll make my move then. in the future. Feeling lonely kind of like i miss a lot of people but trying not to show it cuz you know big girls DON'T cry and i NEVER would. But it's true. Things are very different, I can't deny that. I'm maturing and it's weird. However i am making the best work of my life right now. Maybe thats what it is once your really alone you get to look at yourself naked with no one else around to see what you're REALLY made of. flesh and bone and WHATELSE? I don't know yet... i haven't figured it out maybe a mix of cotton candy and a nice steak. I don't know what i'm saying... something i've said before like nothing is good or bad just different. Where did this year go? What happened? Who cranked up the speed? What happens next? When do i find out? and How will i know? i still remember... Today i finish it. You'll see soon enough.

This is what you look like.

Hallelujah

tears of joy
cloud your lenscraft face
as if an angel had fallen
from god's grace
and told you nothing of it's consequences
f a l l i n g was nothing until
you learned that you had to fall on your feet
without the use of your wings for god had taken
them after the fall of eden after you had eaten
and it was then that you knew there was no escape
and no such thing as returning the seed of snakes
Planted there forever growing and not wanting to
but knowing that there was nothing you could do to stop it
from sowing...

Breaking my back
just to win
a gold metal king
card to your hearts
desired kingdom
here like freedom
and heaven on earth
may god have mercy
on all that have given birth
to such excellency
when all men know that
a mothers warmth
is braver than
a mans bloody sword
true strength is known
to those who can hold their own
on this long and lonely road
back home

My lips are sealed

everything has it's place in the center

I've just spent the past two days sleeping, i'm sleepy still
my injury has almost healed, i hope

birth of an idea

I am organized.
I am strong.
I am confident.
I am song.
I am speech.
I am calm.
I am at peace.
I am free.
I am loving.
I am loved
I am living.
I am light.
I am happy.
I am creative.
I am abundant
I am everything.

time is moneyistime is moneyistime is moneyistime is money is time
_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_

Time
000000000000000000000000
0000000000000
0000
00
0
Is
0
00
0000
000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000
Money.

Promiseland

Last week the church said,

"You were created for Love by Love"

and this week it reads

"GIVE"


good thing i'm not listening anymore
i'm just about spent like a broken dollar
next to a dirty handkerchief in my pocket
that word is spelled weird
m delerious at this point
too much giving
is expensive

thats all i have to say
hide away

win dow
i will win
will win
i will win
will win
i will win
will win
i will win
will win
i will win
whirl wind
i will win
will win
i will win
world win
i will win
windough

when yes means no

When my soul has come to bear more than it could ask for another day breaks into the next as i slowly unwind the rope that has been coiled around my body bound by my limbs keeping me from moving about freely

we said goodbye to our dying friends and hello to what the future brings as time knows you'll never leave me and your name is buried in my thoughts always for the comfort it brings to my heavy heart
do not fear friend for the tears in your eyes are only fear of leaving but remember this and i will always be with you for as long as you keep me with you and think kindly thoughts of me while you're away
a place will remain here
for you always

In the hour glass of the church
words are a wonder whispering in your ear
if only you could decipher what you hear
This Mountain is too much for you to strive for
When you know that you must come down just as soon
You must have known what hue to look for
I could tell you baby by the blue of the moon

Hello Dolly

Feed me.

Eat Me.
Drink Me.

Bunny?

Duh

Heath Ledger

you just fucked the greatest actor of all time

Dreams come true

You know?

The difference between Love and In Love

Like a soft hand shake from a friend
i know you'll always be there to make amends
even when my hands are tied
you free them with your elegant slide
the way you move on the dance floor
like soft jello to the moon
and i hope you'll always be there
to catch my fall
in a summers night swoon
as the air is perspiring
like a heart attack lover
your mood is nothing to be ashamed of
in this place of forever nothingness
your love is gold on my charmed
bracelet and your embrace
is like a weathered shoe horn
fit like a glove on a hot summer day front

The End of an Era

Times are changing
fast paced sports car
RACE RACE RACE
I held the red flag in the palm of my hand
as she starred at me through the glass
does she know how much i admire that face of hers?
her beauty is beyond spoken word
like a flower out of the earth
i loved her
essence
any day now
i'll have her
completely

Tigers

japanese prints

It's no secret that

We hide our coats
beneath the closet boards

take it

Guilt & Gluttony

Father I've sinned
against
my fellow
man
This Guilt
is the root
of my fury
and the wrath
in his wretched heart
Strings to infinity
for i wanted too much
in this life and i gave it up
too quickly and not quickly enough
Heaven is above us
and i give you all my love
forever until my body dies
and there is no more
to lie for
in this place
and the light takes it's place
in the darkness
as we live together
as brothers
in
the
stars
forever

Like a prayer

All I can say is that I'm doing the best I can and that I'm always doing the best I can. I've been humbled and humiliated, as it should be.

Courage
Heart
Brain
Home

Nietzche

"Love Matches, as they are called have illusion for their father and need for their mother."

up up up up up up
up up up up up
up up up up up up
up up up up up
up up up up up up up
up up up up up
up up up up up up up up
up up up up up
up up up up up up up up up
up up up up up up up up up up


up up up up up up up up up up up

up up up up up up up up

The water is rising ain't nobody gonna stop it now
down in the gutter theres creatures crawling
around in mischievous wigs and diamond gold bracelets
never trust a well dressed lady i tell you cuz these things
will pain you and hell knows theres no such thing as ghosts
in these parts Yes. we're all flesh and bone here although
you gotta fight hard to keep it on. everybody is looking for blood
and a nice jew to hang onto for money and/or sexual favors
thank gawd i still got a pint left in me to hold me over til next winter
you know these flowers are all dying inside and out too
and we ain't gonna do a goddamn thing about it

son.

Judge Injury

I Plead the Fifth.
never. tell
never, forget.

being in a fog is like living in a cloud
record time. cat is watching
the road and the birds
for me this morning
thank goodness for his
watchful eye I know
he won't miss a thing
when it's this early
and we are
just now /returning home
from grace

Cayce

"As long as there are hate, malice, injustice- those things which are at variance to patience, long suffering, brotherly love- there cannot be a healing of this body. What would the body be healed for? That it might gratify its own physical desires and appetites? That it might add to its own selfishness?"

DAYUM

End o tha month son

And then god said

Let there...












Be Light.

I can see the day breaking
just over that hill
in the distance
past the forest
and the houses
light breaks night
in this slumber party
disco rave number 4

5' o clock in the morn

I'm awake I was thinking about you in my sleep again. Been reading Edgar Cayce on reincarnation again, this time I get it/////still not done with henry miller. haven't been able to touch him recently my animal urges have subsided. school school. work.job. moneymoneymoney. GET PAID dolla dolla billz. shit. go back to sleepz.

You're shittin me

Words that embody your presence are "Authority, Compulsion, Intimidation, Sterility".

Words that embody things that may be a part of you are "Drama, Hell".

Words that embody people or things in your periphery are "Africa, Agility, Ambition, Aurora, Author, Barbarism, Beast, Beauty, Bitter, Boat, Change, Chariot, Cocktail, Conversation, Craving, Cross, Dazzle, Death, Defiance, Energy, Fire, Forest, Gold, Iridium, Jackal, Judge, Jury, Luck, Melody, Messiah, Mink, Monkey, Occult, Ocean, Omen, Opium, Palace, Pinnacle, Prayer, Radio, Redemption, Rich, Rock, Seer, Sentiment, Shepherd, Shout, Spring, Tantra, Tarot, Tide, Time, Vassal, Violet, Vixen, Vulture, Warlock, Weapon, Wisdom".

Eoh refers to the Yew tree. The Yew does not go dormant and therefore represents endurance. Even the wood of the tree is strong, resilient, and pliable - the Yew bends, but does not break. The evergreen nature of the Yew is present even in the rune itself, as it cannot be changed even by reversal. This rune is historically symbolic of death, but, as in the Tarot and as suggested by the nature of the Yew tree itself, death is seen only as a transmutation of something eternal and unchanging - the spirit.

The Chariot: Victory through might. Advancement through bold action. Change through force. Order established through vigilance. A trying situation mastered by balancing opposing forces against each other. Discipline, individual effort and endurance will turn the tide.

My Old High School

Is Seated in between Wolftrap and Slaughter ln.
How convenient. Road names are.

Love Rain

I looked into the Mirra today and saw your face
Looking back at me
Your eyes and Your lips
Do you know what They said?
Listen, Closely.
Look, Carefully.
Dress Sharp.
and Sing to me
When I'm Dead.

This tickles me

yousssnake

We may be party animals
at night but god only knows
how the angels got my back
into this club
Yes. and you can be sure
that they are the Biggest
Party People of All Time
You remember how GOD and LUCIFER
used to joke.
i'll never forget
that time when
whatshisface said,
"Does this party ever end?"

at least once a day every day

we remember to take our vitamins
and a shower
at least three times a day
he reminds me that i'm hungry
at least then
i have to use the bathroom
and forget
that i'm human
too

You're angelic voice tone
made my bones shiver
in the dark lonesome
nigh and if ever there was
such a fright as
true love did exist
in these quiet parts
at least in our minds
at least in our kiss
in a moment
it did
like
the rapture
says.

It's 6 o' clock in the morning. My parents are about to leave i'm fucking hungry starving as per usual shortly after waking up. i finally slept i went to bed at something like 8:30. i slept like a child. like a baby if you will even tho i don't think they sleep much at night. Did i mention that i'm hungry? ok yes. let's move on. No. I'm not going to eat but anyways. They're about to leave to vay-cay as they say. Sleep was so good. I don't know what else to say, maybe i'm bragging again. shit. i do that. btw why aren't they awake yet? I thought they were leaving. I'm still sleepy. go to sleep. don't read.

There is a kite stuck in the

ലൈക് എ കിറെ സ്ടുച്ക് ഇന് എ tree

Gentleness is the strongest thing there is

"तेरे इस नोथिंग स्त्रोंगेर इन थे वर्ल्ड थान गेंत्लेनेस"

a bronze bull
standing still
in the middle
of a field.

Sleep deprivation

This is going to be a real journal. in real life. in real time. I've had a really hard time sleeping lately as i've written before the wheels are turning and grinding i can hear them and their rusty gears squealing keeping me awake. sleep does not come easy around here. i think and i write and sometimes thats enough to turn it off. i don't have any medicine to aid me this time, i'm doing it all on my own. Last night i meditated for the first time in... i don't know how long. Forever. Before i did i could feel my whole body tensing up it was getting sick i could feel it my stomach my head my throat my nose my whole body was hurting. STRESS. I get stressed the fuck out. for real. So i meditated it seemed like the only solution, so i did it. It was quick and short but amazing. I don't think i've ever done it that quickly and easily and skillfully. i let myself sink through the mattress and into the floor until i was buried in the earth and the earth welcomed me completely it dissolved me made me feel whole, a part of something. its hard to describe of course but it was fucking fantastic. the best kind of hug. and it told me i was healing and love. and i knew this was true.

freeze.

canwepleaseslowitdownthisistoofastformetobreathe.

You're Cheating.

there is no such thing as monsters

but if there are. they're gnawing at my thighs. living is hard because nobody can do it for you. and i like to take charge i like that my life has meaning and direction and drive and substance and all of the other ingredients to a good story. it's fucking fantastically boring and gripping and ugly but so pretty that i can't look away i can't stop turning the page i can't stop going. i just need a break. time off. game over for a second please. please. stop thinking.

I am the elusive bird
which time cannot capture
and take a picture of

I threw my fathers baggage off of the train. I knew that he had a mouthful waiting for me at the cafe. 2:13pm. I'm late. I will take my time either way. Who does he think I am to be carrying around his dirty laundry? I'm waiting patiently. For the right words to slip out. To break his heart with a crashing sound. But daddy please know.. I never meant you hurt you. You're my baby girl. You know that.

I want everything.

Right. Now. Selfish and Greedy. Ugly and Pretty. Stupid and funny. Soft and Hard. White and black and gold and yellow and PINK for god's sake. Give it to me. I won't take no for an answer, you fucking underestimate me. and my power. Lions do not go hungry unless they've lost their heart, their will to keep feeding. fighting. and eating. My Hunger is stronger than ever. I want to feast on every piece of meat i see and suck them dry. Even if there is Poison in their veins i will ingest their sickness and poke at their dirty sutures. I am thirsty too. There will be no remorse for the things I have and will do to get my fill. I am an animal after all. Simple and plain.

The wheels are turning my dear son and if it makes you uncomfortable to know things will never be the same remember that what you held in your hand was never yours to begin with and all that you see is just a distraction and illusion as we play hide and go seek and smell the flowers of injustice and beauty lay your hands down and surrender to it's sweet arrest for there is no such thing as free

High school Economics

Ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

They
Do
Not
Exist
Here.

Man is small
and words are cheap
like tomorrows history
time falls upon us
even as we sleep
for all of your sorrows
I give you my pity
as you are..

Your steps are mirrored in mime.

Hanging on the wall
like a cross
like a picture
bleeding
I sacrificed
my firstborn(only son)
for you.

Go Back

Goback
toher
bed
shewill
keepusafe
frome.

I was naked
in front of the mirror
again.
looking at a stranger
of a person
Who are you?
It asked me.
My reflection.
I was silent.
and i waited
for an
answer
to come.

GRANDpa read my fortune the other day
said that I'm going to be a movie STAR
by next MAY I said okay papa but that
SILVERscreen better shine gOLD for me
and he said that if I go to the right AGENcy
all will be USED &PRetty and I knew IT was TRUE
whathesaidtomethatday

Suburbia

I grEW up in the subUrb's wIth my fAMIly.
bRICKS. hOuses. frONt DOor. shINgles. shRUBbery.
ALL tHE saME. cuz in AMER-ICA we like Our hOmes lIke we lIke Our
whORES. I mean woMEN. fast and cHEAP.
bUt it nEVER bOTHERed me much
Cuz my mOTHER and IhAD preSCRIPTion dRUGS.
tHEY made us feel GOOD. EVEn when we were dirTy.
ThaNK gOODness. beCAUSE LESS water CONSUMptiON
WILLSAVE the diNOsaurs, EVENTually
At LEaST THat's wHAT sHE told me.BuT.
I nEVER believeD HER nOt evEN Once.

Red over Gold

I stopped wearing clothes a few weeks ago
People stop and stare and look
At me. and my Body.
I don't really mind much anymore
Some called me Mary Magdalene.
You Know the way fearful men are
Like wolves they will hunt you
Wise men know that blind pirates can't see gems
especially red rubies
a hawk more flattered by gold than beauty
souring off into the distance in search of...
another mountain

God told me

God told me
not to play with fire
and I got good and burnt
a couple times
He told me not to go near the water
less I knew how to swim
but I jumped in anyway
head first I did!
Didn't do me much good that time either..
and so i reckon that old man got it right,
at least some of the time.

I wasn't listening

I wasn't listening before but now i am. i think. iamithink. That sounds about right. As a daily offering take this bread for I am full. These table cloths are cheap. Nurse, hand me a drink. Take this cup and drink from it for it is my blood. my body. Tastes good. Take my offering it is my blood. My body. Tastes good, drink from it. Thank you. go away.

What a bath can do to a woman

It's been a very rude awakening. The world does not treat you kindly when you have expectations! Oh, how I had forgotten your cruelty! Now I remember all the worries that were washed away in my dreams. Here I am sitting in the same place I was a week ago only now it's the future. I fell into a coma. My body had forgotten the pains of being in a place like this. With things like money and parents and friends and neighbors and acquaintances and ex-lovers and mailmen and mailboxes and mail and letters and writing and typing and words with or without meaning. I am here. I have to put it all back in order again. Now i remember why ileft, why i had to leave. But alas theres no more hiding. I'm nude. allowing all to see my every mole, scratch and bruise.

lying with the cats they have my best and will always protect these sulky eyes and the brothers in the kitchen playing with the ants outside magnified their ignorance although a mother cannot blame her child for doing such for who are they to know all of her secrets? The father on the front porch with his loyalty near foot gives her patience in multitudes by holding what she wants most far out of reach and it is this power over her which has made us so weak and still she lies in wait and humble suffering for this is what solitude brings as we ingest it's silent beauty

making something out of nothing the gold from the trash can ceiling is dripping and my hands are wet and saturated with everything the colors of the rainbow as my guide to the see i am growing and building like a weed in this common place where everything is sickening and the weak go hungry WE ARE STARVING for that fucking money and peace and although i try to gaze out at it's beauty i want nothing but a piece of its ugliness to take with me and smear these pages with black ink incessantly because we all love things dirty and through our sickness we find beauty and not even the fake plastic kind but the one that glows bright as the morning dew stays week and glistening

how can you be so soft and hard at the same time? the earth is beginning to look more like heaven each day as i wake and take a deep breath it's softness tickles me through and through how can this be true? patience is a virtue that has proven itself to be worth more than a solid gold bath in a divinely lit picture studio

Well you were right and will always win a gold metal prize for them to tuck into their t-shirt pockets right next to their heart is where they will keep them for you safe and sound just like you wanted them too

How is that cage working for you dear sir? Can I get you anything, maybe some crackers? Yes of course, not without water. When is the last time you spread your wings dear? A week you say!? My that is far too long! it must be stifling your heart. Well yes! I could let you out, this is true but in that case you might lose what you cling to so tightly. Oh yes all that is yours in your little cage, all that you've created to entertain. I will let you out soon but only with the knowledge that you'll come back as often as you need to. For it is a long and lonely trail out there and wings can only take so much in this atmosphere. Yes, we all need rest sometimes for we all get weary and sleep deprived. Well, sing me a song before you go.

not all of what is started is finished and i guess i know what you mean when she says it like that in her milky tone of voice so sweet with ice cream cone dreams on her pillow. I know because i've seen it with my own eyes heard it with my own ears and it just works out that way sometimes theres nothing you can do about it but it makes you want to try harder for a better world one without rotten eggs and smokes cuz lets face it sometimes everybody just needs to kick back and drink a coca-cola after the show is done when we all go home and i'll be waiting for that day until it rains and by god it will be a good oneand there will be fireworks and hotdogs for that parade and if that kind of thing makes you feel unsafe you know you can always come over and we';; hang and play horse in the back yard by the tire swing fencedog

hello friend! it is good to see you again yes i missed you don't have to ask that question ever again isn't it silly the way we play these games all the time makes it hard to keep my head straight but i guess its all the same whether the red sox best pitcher never left the seat empty am i right? well your kind thanks and presence were great hope we don't make it again too late will have to keep updated on this present state of leisurely time through and through to the end of the tunnel gate and we will make it you can place ur bets on that one and get your dollar paid back in full by the end of the night yes at least that you can be sure of

the things i didn't see before walking around sleepy eyes blur the news channel man todd says its going to rain today but i don't see clouds she asked with her eyes where you go at night and i said i don't know that maybe it's like death but i don't really know that either so i couldn't tell her and i remember it like my mother told me and i was disappointed because i wanted to know and didn't understand why she was an adult and didn't know these things but as a child it just doesn't make sense because i had a lot of questions while still remembered where i came from and was forgetting because its hard to remember in a place like this sometimes where you were born and what zip code but we all tell a lot of jokes and talk to angels gates as babys and i guess i remember that much to the day and still i still remember my what time of day to bathe

That man in the doctors office smiled and said you dropped your pen and ithe reminded me of my grandfather when he did the way his eyes had a way of winking at you saying more than words ever did yes he was a quiet man and i loved him for it slipping pennies into pockets waiting for the change machine and our favorite toys we left them all behind when we fixed the time machine but who knows what to do when everyone is looking at the television screen begging for those pennies and you know we all have to eat and sometimes fast food means never having to say no which is ok because it's hard to do and i just fell right into it

it's getting darker and
solitude is beginning to bear its weightonthings
longing for that caressing handshake
as my mouth is open wide
shouting at your persistence
and there is no more
it is only quiet in here
for now it is time to sleep
for good in this ccaughin(coffin) ghost townn
because the crooks don't like it
when you make it loudin the night
it's hard enough for them to sleep
well be good to the kind one
that winks in your presence for they hold
the key to something far more valuable
than gold as the needle breaks
from 5 points westhe letter says
to keep your eyes peeled ont he odometer
as it rings with prayers of sound piece of mind
the least of whichcould not compare
by for this is too much
of a load for one to bear
as we are not divided in(2)pairs
and there is no moneyfor the rest of us

It's like they never left

and she says, [{how could you}]
be so weak?
with a stare that
makes your mouth bleed
likawinter breeze
[{how could you?}]
this is bleak
grass headlines
on buildings l edge
false teeth
beckoning as it stabs
right through you
like bow & arrow
while the messenger
is lying next to you
not breathing
and it comes again,
{[how could you?]}
do. this. to. me.

The door was wide open
we let the bugs in
all creepy and crawlin
spiders and frogs
birds and dogs
mice and men
they all came
and made this house a home
for all the women
in this country
hopin for peace
and when you're on that fiery stead
you know that there is such a thing
as taming the beast

Saved

inside
burning
BRIGHT BRIGHT BRIGHT
there's a light
it shines
white
in my dreams
at night
and it warms
my soul
like summer gold
when the sun shines
in the moonlight
along the seashore
theres a white horse
and a boy
save grace.
and praise.
for he is your savior
let him in and you will be saved.

I can't believe

Replace it with i he she

Mother sat me down and told me
"These things happen sometimes"
and i thought why can't I remember?
why can't I know?
Life before this.
Why did it die? Where did it go?
What happens?
Why do we bury it?
Will it be ok?
I have questions!
She tried to answer them the best she could
god bless her soul, she tried to to tell me
but maybe she didn't know
maybe she didn't know what to say
she was a younger woman back then
Death had not touched her yet

A lot can happen

in

a

day.

a

week.

a

month.

or

22 yrs and 17 days.

call edge

cawledge

deevelopmeant

instantuition

crapitalism

mind over matter
mine over matt er
mind over madder
matter over minder

blox.

Rainer Maria

Be patient and without resentment and think that the least we can do is make his becoming not more difficult for him than the earth makes it for spring when it wants to come. And be glad and confident.

On solitude

And then she said boy
don't you know that
that longing you feel inside
that longing for god
is all about yourself.

The clocks will sing your praise
strangers forget the names of everything
Never was one for remembering
could tell you about a song i wrote
in my younger days
about a girl
who lost her way
but through and through
it called to her
she had a cat named killer
lived in the woods
next to grandmother
in the books
and the wolf

High

Another full moon

I need to work on listening, maybe.

Feeling good about pretty much everything else though.
The thought of leaving soon sounds good. real good.
The thought of starting something new sounds good too.
A lot of things, as soon as I'm done. ALMOST THERE.
I need to start saving up money and ideas.
Gotta keep up.
Less worry.
DENTIST APPOINTMENT
registration
can't forget... tax form too REMEMBER
FIND POST IT NOTES
what else?
I'm forgetting something.
Less worry
sounds good.

Where's our free vacation?

because we like talking to ourselves.

Halfway between you and the road
it's pavement screams
and sighs are only a whisper
I picked white pocket flowers
with Julie today.
she said she liked the weather
but had a lot to do
obligations, she said.
I understood.
But i didn't care
maybe it was it's fragrance that captured me.
or the wind but
nothing seemed more important.
nothing else seemed to exist
only what i wanted
in that moment
everything was fulfilled
every prayer
every wish
every moment
every touch
and every kiss
they all meant something
and You know we will all shake hands one day
and kiss each other on the cheek

Cocoon Nebula

Time stops here
I feel like I'm frozen
in a cocoon
and all i see
are birds
and planes
and trees
which is enough
to fascinate me
through and through

Neverland

I received a full 12 hours of sleep last night.
It was just going to be a nap but i couldn't get myself to move.
After resting an hour my alarm went off. I didn't move i kept sleeping.
It's summer, there must be rest to be had. I've been working hard for a long time now.
and i need rest. Still do maybe. But there is work to be done. There's always more.
This is the beginning of the long haul i think. Maybe thats what they call it. That "grown up" phase.
Where things like responsibility become your middle name. The game changes.
And yet stubbornly i stick to my fantaseas! Like Pan and Wendy.
It's a story I've been told one too many times.
The story of growing up and giving up on the things you love most! But why!
Why must i do this to grow up! What is wrong with my fantasy? It is mine!
It's the one thing i can call my own and depend on to be there when i wake up
and even if i wanted it to go away, which i probably have. Still it stays.
Ever present like a memory but not. It will never fade.
I pick up pieces of this fantasy each day, little treasures.
Which make me believe that a part of it is real. and tangible. and not fantasy at all.

I like to think
that we all have a place to go
in the sky
to go and hide away
for awhile
i see the birds circling
outside my window
high up above the clouds
they're having a tea party
laughing about misfortunes
and liberty

Distance is growing and futile
resistance like a pocketbook calendar
in a field of hopes and dreams
where everyone goes to sleep
the way I see it you were always there
for every blink every look and every stare
when i gaze into the mirror i see
you in the reflection of a
reflection of a reflection
that goes on into infinity
as i brush my hair
I smile
at all the possibilities

Now?

Am I

awake or am I dreaming?

two two

twotwo
tootoo
twotoo
tootoot
twotwo
twotwo
toto
to
to
too
too
tootoo
twotwo
twootwoo

THERE IS NO PATH IN OUR FLIGHT

MOVING ON
AND MOVING UP
MOVIN ON UP INTO THE SKY
GONNA FLY AWAY MY TOUBLES
GONNA GO IN DEEP
GONNA GET LOST
GONNA LOSE MYSELF TONIGHT
I'M MOVIN ON UP, INTO THE SKY
MY MOTHER SHE BOUGHT ME A HOUSE
OVER THERE YONDER ON THE EAST SIDE
I'M MOVIN ON UP INTO THE SKY
GONNA BUILD ME A CASTLE
GONNA FIND ME A WIFE

sleepy

this cycle is never ending

Over and over and over
over and over and over and over
and over and over and
Over and Over and over
and Over and over
OVER and over and
Over and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over
and over and over and over
and
over and over
over and over
over and over
and over and over
and over and over and
over and over and over and over and
over and
over and
over and
over and
over and over
over and over
over and
over and over
over and
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and
over
again.

and the trees are whispering in my ear
as i hear the sounds which define the word
in this unrelenting world
we put it all together and kept it in a box
it gathered dust among our dirty socks
with lipid spheres and rabbit ears
among the ticks and tocks
gathering and searching for

the way things fit together
I'm just making it all up
as i go along
a path
to find
the fine line
between
defined and undefined

FARTHER THAN ARROW. HIGHER THAN WINGS FLY.

THE BULL HORN it CRIES
LIKE AN OVERLAPPING PARADIGM
that CANNOT DIE
with sleepy EYES
WE BRUSHED ON our FABRICATED lies
TOWARDS the end of the COURT ROOM
hidden in DISGUISE
the dishes LEFT in the LIVING ROOM
SEEKING TO BE satisfied
THE WORLD IS SPINNING ROUND
like SOFT MAGNETIC thighs
ALTHOUGH I CANNOT KEEP IT FROM DOING SUCH
FROM ORDINARY STARES
WAKING UP AS THE DAY BREAKS
THE LIMITS OF WHICH CAN NEVER BE COMPARED
TAKING ME softly
BY THE HAND
A GUIDE
IN THE SAND
TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITY
TO GO FORTH and SEEK
FOR THE REST of YOUR LIFE
THIS WILL BE
AS YOU CHOOSE
IF THIS IS MAKING ANY SENSE
THEN YOU ARE FREE
THE WIND IT DOES NOT THINK ABOUT
THE TREES
OR WHICH DIRECTION IT WILL BLOW
and NEVER LEAVE
IN A PLACE OF SUCH
PERFECT EXISTENCE AS THIS
the sun SETS EAST
AND ITS LIGHT IS INSIDE OF ME

An idea of the past

"HERE ARE ENSHRINED THE LONGING OF GREAT HEARTS AND NOBLE THINGS THAT TOWER ABOVE THE TIDE THE MAGIC WORD THAT WINGED WONDER STARTS THE GARNERED WISDOM THAT HAS NEVER DIED."

------------------------------------

IT CAME FROM A STATUE
AND FROM A BOOK
AND FROM A PERSON
AND FROM A LOOK
IT CAME FROM BEYOND THAT
AND FROM PLACES WE NEVER TOOK
IT CAME FROM THE STRATOSPHERE
BEYOND SPACES NEVER BOUND
AND WITH THAT MY ASSURANCE IS
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FOUND

-------------------------------------

I had a very vivid dream that my grandfather kept falling. We were all walking together as a family and he stumbled once, he had a beer in his hand. Then he fell again and he had a pitcher, the alcohol was seemingly appearing out of nowhere but my cousin kept arguing with my grandmother that it was this lady who was giving it to him, she didn't want to believe him. He was obviously drunk, everyone was concerned. It was very upsetting. Before this all happened I was angry at one of my cousins at one point for being selfish and not helping me clean up things before eating, because i was wearing nice clothes and I wanted to eat first too. We got into a fight and after dinner was when the stumbling happened, nobody knew he was drunk until then... and even then it wasn't until the second fall that everyone really knew it. After that i saw him playing guitar to some girl. My grandpa is an alcoholic and he's been one for nearly his whole life, he's in his early 70's. In the end of the dream a choir was singing something about real ghosts and fake ghosts i think. I fear he might be falling, or worse already fallen. I knew that it was my families problems that had lead him to drink, i could see the pattern.

A story

"Look into the emptiness and hear him far off
Whistling lightly out of his mocking lips,
I edge into bed-- I wish i could sleep!
But sleep has turned into a frightened bird,
Difficult to catch, to hold, yet easy to kill;
Whistling he flies off, his voice full of bitter disdain,
The rustling of a wing, away in the straining wind."

This reminds me of a story my friend told me today
about a bird that flew into a window and landed in his lap
dying the bird fell to the ground and slowly stopped moving
did it merely want someone to acknowledge it's death?
I'm not sure, it's open to interpretation.

This is not a fairytale

but i like it just the same

The time is now
the hour is long
we're brushing dusty shoulders off
I look to the west and see nothing
but a vast expanse
the true nature of my existence
I'm coming close
to begin again at the beginning
going back to places long past visit
and the stars are calling my name tonight
I am the light which warms the moon at night
and when it fades i am the darkness
in our falling voices

the restless girl she waits
for the song of the dove
and the stars up above
to tell her what to do
whisper in my ear sweet sparrow!
I'm ready and willing
listening to your call and becking
she must stop writing
a part of her is dying
as another is born

I knew an old man who once used to say
when the going gets tough get going
So he'd run and he'd run for miles on end
until the daylight would stop showing
He found him a place a nice bed he could lay
and dream away his worries
until an angel came
and kissed his face
when the daylight breaks and the sun it shines
it'll wash away all those fine lines
when the moons full and bright
on a cold christmas night
you'll remember the end of the story

Social Decay

It only happens in your mind.

Melody sings to me in my sleep
The castle walls are burning
we must not wake the king
leave him there to sleep on his throne
may he die among riches and dream a pleasant dream
the castle walls are burning
but the king will sleep easy

all the masks are gone
we burned them in the barn
it took a while to gather them all up
but once we did there was beauty in its falsity
with nothing to wear we walked around nude
in the forest
i can still smell them burning
but i think thats ok
what shall we destroy next?
the city?
I see them burning when i close my eyes
and i think i'm ok with that too
i'm ok with everything
it's just temporary

I am the river that cuts through the tree's
No, you are a rock he said. You're a rock!
But i knew better, i was both once
A river and a rock
the path and the bolder
as he came closer i could hear
the wind in the trees and time stopping

There is something that i wanted to say to you
I wrote it in a letter, with a pen in red ink
i left it on your doorstep, you must not have seen it yet
I wrote you a letter, but i didn't know what i wanted to say
maybe that the idea of you is like the plague
or that you are the bane of existence
the creator of of all things good and ugly
None of it made sense, just that you were everything
even the things i hate most because i love them too
you are everything that never was and never will be
i wrote it in red ink. it said, you are everything.
after i wrote it, i took it back and wrote nothing.
i could never figure out the distance between
here there, everything and nothing
i could never find a device that could measure the gap
there is no instrument to guide me
only you would know precisely

I've been exercising the use of excessive profanity lately... I'm not sure why or where this is going i just know that it's fucking happening. shit.

just remembered i watched tv recently... this could be it. gotta blame something. SOCIETY.

I like that the air is green again, every year i forget how amazing spring is. GREEN EVERYWHERE. It makes me feel abundant and fresh.

MY WORDS ARE MERELY AESTHETICALLY PLEASING.
thinking about posting sketchbook entries soon.

WHAT AM I IN CONTROL OF?
WHAT IS FREEDOM?
IS IT REAL

OR

IS IT AN ILLUSION?
I HAVE YET TO DECIDE.
MAYBE A LITTLE OF BOTH.

Moving to the country side

gonna reconvene with nature.

She didn't know who to turn to
so she turned to herself and said
"we've gotta go"
Where, she didn't know.
but it had already been decided
by the hands of fate
and whoever else
might be along for the ride
She looked forward to the hours
of convening with the roots sometimes
but she dare not delve too deep
as much as she loved the earth
she was bound to stay above it
for a little while longer
to wake up with the sunrise
and hear the bird call
to bathe in the moonlight
and watch the leaves fall
and return to life.

I've lost touch
and need to get back quickly
or else a breeze
might soon blow me over
The ocean breathes
and sings to me in my sleep
lulling my restless sheets
he's coming for you
says the sea
i open my eyes
and see nothing
but

Why?

I can't figure it out.

Where
There
here
There
Where
There
here
Where
There
here
Where
There
here

You act differently when you're around me
My eyes are spy's
and the crowd, they laugh so loudly
at our misfortunes
in grand operettas
because it's more entertaining that way
they sway to our song and sound
of tarnished gold and the world moving
When they come to our play
we'll have some rum beforehand
and say "All the tarnished gold in this town
cannot be held by one man alone!"
And because we know
our tears become the drool in their beaks
our pain their pleasure
and floor boards squeak
and the floor boards...
are you listening?

Taking bigs steps
Leaps and Bounds even
Overcoming fears
and meeting them Face to Face
What could this mean?
I have no expectation
Only a call to duty
To resolve the unresolved
and then move on
In one piece
I hope.
I am not afraid of life
Now I know what must be done.

Breathless

"Once you look for someone, you never find them"

Voila!

Like magic in a tin can
Foil and aluminum
can can CAN
It's whistling.
I'm french, again.
Let's play games
hide and go seek.
Now you see me.
And now you can't.
I'd do it again.
I'd do it again.
I'd do it again.
Voila!
I'm french
and..
je t'aime