stumble prayer

http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Prayer.html

trying on golden shoes no i mean SLIPPERS just for fun
counting rain drop tear tones for PLEASURE
eating up every last scrap of CAKE in a HURRY
spelling out alphabet names in my CEREAL
not knowing whether sane is sane or insane is sane
feeling like a million and two cents but why BOTHER?
floating on cloud gods sail ships while taking a SHOWER
not wanting to but wanting it more than anything EVER
not knowing and knowing too much to succumb to
talking to Oprah Winfrey about the bad WEATHER

siiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhlence

silence.

Since when does eating and sleeping involve TRYING
i'm so god damn hungry i can't stop crying
another rainy day weather blues, this isn't a complaint
just a melodramatic life vein withering
i'm whimpering in my own imagined pain
the loss of usefulness is insane
when i get there i'll remember my true name
come gather and watch us on our roads claim to fame

Denis Leary Weary

If only i were half the cup as clever as you
overflowing in our youthful presents(cents) to the day
oh GAWD how i missed your xx face
if we keep pushing eventually we'll get through
i'm moving even though i forgot how to
every word written like a manual
i never told you where i was going
there is no script but we keep on writing
can i play in the fortress with you?
or will i be condemned to solitude?
i'll keep waiting by the steps with a bouquet full of gratitude
the only solace for a sleepless attitude

Looking HARD at the sun spots on your cheek
the mourning leaves do believe in sunshine
until the chapel comes to bed in gods night gown
you are dressing only to mislead others
your mothers saying was always to be brave
and to have a a head free of slaves
for the mourning glory of the stars face does not fade
and your beckoning is more than i can erase

You've been working hard my dish drain lover
Your heart is leaking on my kitchen floor
hangers by the front door on a weekend rain report
We're making it already like i said before
The oven was left on to record heat
the last four digits of your social are leading us to the end of the world
coy as your face might be when you look at me i do enjoy your disdain
the stains on my carpet won't come clean until i get some SERVICE in here
remembering the forgotten in order to overcome a place we thought we'd never find
we've been searching for a river of gold with a gulf in the straight of time

I haven't changed a bit, time is a spiral staircase

Background

Spring of 2004 I had just finished high school a semester early. I was working two jobs, one at West gate movie theatre and the other at a coffee shop off of 6th street. I was freer than ever. All of my friends were in school while I was out working and playing. I was in a band called the glass pact. From what I can recall it was one of the best springs in my most recent history. I got a lot done made some music money and close friends. I generally enjoyed myself and had a tendency to smoke pot and write in my room whenever my parents weren't home and i wasn't working. There was nothing better than an empty house that year.

Poems 2004 (pre-college)

Like an open book with missing pages he finds the perfect words to fill its vacancy.

The better you look the more you see he said.

You let the words drip from your lips to mine.

A taste like sour fruit.

And I wanted it more than ever.

Your skin like leather and I’d kill to have it wrapped around me.

This time forever.

When is the last time that you saw me and does it really matter?

You’ll always feel the same

Only time will change.

Nothing is as familiar as bad poetry.

And so my heart sleeps

Waiting to be awakened.


Crash calls crash calls crash calls Crash calls

The ring of a broken word

Against the backdrop of the falling sky

Moments weighed heavily in hefty trash bags

Waiting for flies to piddle in its warmth,

The stench of uncertainty hanging clearly in the air.

Soft words fall like razorblade kisses

And yet you speak to me with open wounds

Wed me in the holy matrimony of forgotten song.

And we’ll pretend like we never met.

Whisper like highway bliss

Palms sweat

Heartbeats Missed

We were on a train, the type of train that ends up leading you nowhere fast. The type of train that leaves you in a wreck yet you come out completely unharmed; physically. Mentally well… we all know that mentality moves and changes as if to keep up with the clocks ticking hands. You were there; you watched the whole thing take place. As if in slow motion you saw the faces in the crowd change like a picture show. Eye brows raise, faces fall, eyes close and mouths open. We all wanted something. We all wanted something to come home to, although I knew that nobody would be waiting up for my return and nobody would miss me when I didn’t show up that day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and absence is what made me want to hold on a little bit longer. Ten years later she was still a little girl, only dressed in women’s clothing with her face made up and her hair blown and sprayed to perfection, her eyes being the only thing to give away her true age. She lived her life like a window that wouldn’t close, forever letting the cold breeze fill up her space in the room. Her vocabulary would never reach volumes high enough to articulate what she truly thought she felt. He loved her. He loved her everything and anything, even the things he hated about her, he loved to hate them. Yet he kept his distance as best he could. He watched her beauty blossom like a flower and her mind whither from many years of keeping people out of her reach. When she made wishes she wished that she had less to wish for, but most of all she wished for him. She wished that they were lovers but knew it was better off this way. They tried to remember to forget each other. Like a parasite each memory ate away at their hearts.

"I can talk to everyone in the world at the same time"

Probably the coolest thing i've seen or heard in a long time

http://www.lookatbook.com/

Neat

Modern Living

http://ml.hoogerbrugge.com/

Making History on the daily
writing myself into books that were long forgotten
as they gather dust i gather grapes and stories
making wine out of pages and devouring every scrap in sight
i guess we were hungry, no starving.
I see color that doesn't exist, this world is an illusion
we have everything, everywhere always
Remember, time never forgets...

I think that we've forgotten something very important.

How do i say this to you without sounding strange? How do i fit into your perception of me and how I should or would sound? How do i keep up with this game and this face? I'm lagging. I feel restrained...theres too many people watching. My fault, i know. There are too many things rushing through my head, too many things i wish i could change and too many things depressing me. I come up only to be brought back down. I'm very tired and very lonely but i guess one of those things is only because i feel like i "should" be and i don't know whats expected of me anymore. I don't know how i should feel about anything i just feel very sad at the state of everything and this isn't like me. Theres something very big happening and i know i'm preparing myself now for when it gets really bad. I have to be strong and confident in my stance. I am a warrior in gods dance. But right now i am alone and afraid of everything that is to come. I feel so very sad and helpless. This happens to everybody but i am a rational person and i know myself well and i know this is significant because i do not pity myself in any way. I have everything but i am very sad at the state of things and as much as i shield myself from tv and news in general i can still feel the pains. I'm much too sensitive for these things i can feel the earth turning and breathing and it's at a shortness of breaths. It's been 3 years, do you remember? That was the first time i felt that the world as we knew it was ending and this time i can feel it with an awareness that i didn't have before. I didn't know why i was sad or angry or depressed all of the time. Now i know, this is my sword.

These I like

i thought i saw your face once
on 2nd avenue standing in the rain
i thought i saw your face
but it wasn't you
i did a double take to make sure
it wasn't you
the man looked at me kindly,
no it couldn't have been

no more game playing
i surrender to your sword
in front of all these dirty princesses you've laid before
i took my prom dress off for you goddamn whore
i said it but she's the one with the dirty mouth
i swear to god and jesus too please save me
i'll give you anything
even candy

it's always raining where i live i let the wolves in
they cleaned their claws and teeth in my blood
it's always raining when they live inside me
they're all dead red carried an ax didn't i tell you?

Meat Love

Daisies on my side of the rainbow
i can barely stand without having another drink
we danced languidly until the moon fell down
along with all the stars in this astroplane catastrophe
theres talk of a deficit and the crimes we've committed
all was said in the same breath as we saw inside each others reflection
we shot golden rods at each other with our lightning bolt intensity
and then had the nerve to be cool about it later
yes it is true there is no truce on the edge of a barrel
i hold my gun close and ready to shoot at a moments notice
i shoot at the stars sometimes at night when they're bright
too bright for my liking, i take them out whenever your not looking

I am a wanderlust, perpetually roaming and bumping into things here and there. what happened between then and now i will never know just that sleep beckons me and i answer again and again and again until my body finally gives in to eternal rest... why am i so tired? must i keep wandering?

i imagine myself now as it were in a deep void maybe standing on top of the moon or something yelling out to all of my fellow planetarians a deep and long Hhhhhelllllloooooo00ooO for as long as i could while tapping on your window with the tip of my finger on the glass waiting for a response hello? no response. it is for certain now that i am alone and yet i feel your presence breathing on my neck and don't you know how tickled i get by that feeling? it's almost unbearable. To say the least i will enjoy this quiet solitude for as long as it will keep me as my thoughts drip away like sweet honey.. dew.. water evening... noon

the ideas of good and evil chase tails around my head again in this space where there is no darkness and no light only a likeness of which i can see something now it looks like a planet, like a pinball no like a toy so delicate and joyous the marvel it brings to walk upon it from outer space it looks serene the delicacy of it's true being up close it's chaotic with a million and one martyrs running around with their heads cut off and still preaching of sovereignty while the masses bleed their blue red teeth soften in their suffering as the gaze at dusk does on a cold christmas eve

the loss and gain just about weighs on each other convincing me that its all the same and that observation is the real authority here nothing is free in this game where people forget what sharing is like with companies keeping them company instead of their own wives they stopped making it together a long time ago as he found that money pleased her better at least for a little while it did as she could never be satisfied by one thing alone because we are all greedy and built for banking and not love making, obviously.

I love this

*******************

Sunday Morning

dirty notebooks
with bad handwriting
a page numbered from one to ten
crossing out lessons learned

If i could say what i really wanted to say the words would flow directly from my brain to yours instead of out of my mouth because things just get muddled and complicated that way. No, if i could i would sit down and have a brain to brain with you maybe thats what i'm trying to do with art... it's not necessarily about the composition or how pretty it is or not it's about the thought and about the feeling maybe you understand it and maybe you don't but it's probably the best way i have of communicating somewhere deep down at that subconscious level maybe you can see it and me, i put my fucking soul on the line thats for sure and i don't know what else i can do but to keep on creating to keep on sharing and to hope that all is well read and well received and maybe just fucking felt like i want to be... Peat Duggins said something like with art you have the ability to change peoples hearts and i think thats true I'm on a mission maybe not to save the entire world but to save people on an individual level in some way or another as crazy and futile as it may seem sometimes and maybe it's not necessarily saving anyone maybe on a good day i could fool someone into thinking that they're less alone in the world. To me it's a comfort and theres a warmth in them that just wants to grab on and hold you for a minute and i guess thats really all i want to do is to grab people on multiple levels at once, from the heart

A sigh in my breast for the old West as i do recall it was a rather heroic time for cowboys and horses alike with the dusty wind on their side they ride out into the desert with the devil on their back and

a degenerate refrigerator running
finger on the trigger of a gun
It's moments like these where
you have to stop and wonder
Has GOD forsaken ME?
Forgetting momentarily that you don't BELIEVE
A high pitched scream is enough to stop a corpse dead
blistering, boasting
even heaven knows that the road to peace
is long and Bloody

Hahahaha

i want these.

getting over the hump
as i'm grinding my teeth
and starring at your boner
it's a hard deal pretending not to notice
you must have put it out there for something
i guess i should be flattered
it could be a royal compliment in another country
yet here in the land of the free all we can do
is be modest and hope that some other prick
points it out and tries to sell it to us
to stick it in our mouth for good flavor
and good measure
because nobody wants to go hungry
and everybody needs a good cock and some money

2

Taking a shit on the daily dollar
another two weeks goes by
and then a year
there are no more blues clues for you to find
only a fucking letter
that says
thanks, you fucking prick nows wheres my money?

1

Hungry for Blood
and
Thirsty for Bones
there are no fucking rules in this joint
cuz i killed them all
while you were sleeping
and as you slept i watched you
with your pretty face pushed up against the pillow
you said something
something like "i love you"
but you only said it in your dreams
and when you awoke you didn't remember
I'd light a fire in your fucking heart to help you
but i think i'll sleep in instead

I can't stop thinking, the same ideas keep turning and turning around in my head. I still don't really get time, it's not linear and maybe a part of me is stuck in the past or the future i just can't let go of it. Theres something there I'm sure of it. Am i as convincing as i think i am? Sometimes i feel like i have superpowers but right now it seems like those powers are at a low and it has me doubting my ability. I'm not a tyrant and i could never force anyone against their will only lye in wait hoping that somehow I've been felt.

I had a dream that i was waiting for a bus in front of someones house surfing their radio from across the street... i was waiting there for a long time now that i think about it or maybe it was a sequence of days either way the bus finally came and as i got on i saw this guy that i haven't seen in a while i guess he was happy to see me as he gave me a greeting saying he hadn't seen me in a while and told me i looked beautiful i guess the thing that struck me most when i woke up was that i had actually been waiting in the dream.. it was really boring just sitting there but you know.. i guess it makes sense i've been having short dreams sparingly all week and i'm not really sure what they're telling me

Some cool art shit

Mark Jenkins

Jackson Pollock

I really like

that i live in a place where, people like to ride their lawn mowers to visit neighbors... and seeing the moon right outside my window at night, almost full.

//kitty.cat/

This week

"MADE YOU LOOK"

and

"If you can't live with mystery then you can't walk with god"

I said i wasn't listening but i lied, i listen every week and every week i read what you say. I drive by and think and thank. Every single week i see you change and i even look forward to it.

I think cats favorite thing is for me to watch him eat. He knows it's there without me but he gets excited when i'm there watching. Isn't that strange? A cat that doesn't like to eat alone, or rather.. prefers not to. He got into my make up while i was gone, i caught him pink pawed. He missed me and i love him for it. He can't decide between his love of going outside or staying inside with me after he's been cooped up for so long. I guess i should move his food out of the bathroom to satisfy him, as i only really watch him eat while i'm peeing and thats a short time. That would make him happy i think, or maybe if i indulge him it'd be less exciting. hmm. love. I'm so much like alice it's not even funny, or maybe it is.

sleepdreamsleepdreamsleepdreamsleepdreamwaitsleepdreamsleepdreamsleepdreamwaitsleepdream it's raining it's pouring the old man is snoring as i'm dreaming away and she says answer me staring me right in the face and i can't as i don't understand this world sometimes because it makes no fucking sense the way it should be is not the way it is and thats just the way you have to live with it IN YOUR DREAMS is where it counts aparenlty but i don't know what that means either because they make no sense they're just moments that have been made up in my head for you to participate in whether you like it or not i'm taking you against your will holding you hostage in my head for a day and do you KNOW what you did in there? I couldn't tell you, it might embaress you or maybe you'd find it endearing i don't know, i miss miss miss you sometimes and i wish you would either go away for good or decide to stay here forever i can't decide which would be better all i know is that i want to keep sleeping and dreaming until the wait is over and there is no more to hope for

Like cinderella waiting with her glass shoe in hand my thoughts drift to far off lands like in the story books i read in my youth and what an effect they had on me! How can i keep from dreaming in a world like this where things come true only after waiting. How can i when my patience is wearing thin and my heart is fluttering like the leaves in the wind waiting for another season to grow in. It's time for sleep, won't you tuck me in and tell me when it's spring again I'll sleep until you wake me with kisses like a daydream and tell me it's all ending.

I'm building a new world in my head. It's amazing. So far it's hazy all i know is theres lots of fireworks, color explosions and fairytale creatures with color powers... get pumped it's coming.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111
1111111111111111111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111

making out with the star gods
listening to garbage in the moon light
talking trash about pretty people in school
drinking alcohol for the first time
touching on someone else's "private parts"
regretting it later
bragging about everything
feeling like a champ
looking at the dirt
wild at heart
contagious as wild fire
the dark
and the joy it brings
to see white horses
in daylight savings

On the Daily, Real Time

This week reads "GIVE MORE"

I'll let you interpret.

What a summer! Coming to a close just as quickly as it came like so many other things spinning around in my world sometimes when i know it's the end i just like to sit and watch for a moment, hold it, then let it go. So many things have happened that i can hardly remember. Maybe nothing happened, maybe everything is the same as it was and i just forgot. Things feel different though, before you know it I'll be one of those people too... graduated off doing other things, leaving. Soon enough, I keep waiting for it and when it comes what then? I don't know.. we'll see when friends report back i'll make my move then. in the future. Feeling lonely kind of like i miss a lot of people but trying not to show it cuz you know big girls DON'T cry and i NEVER would. But it's true. Things are very different, I can't deny that. I'm maturing and it's weird. However i am making the best work of my life right now. Maybe thats what it is once your really alone you get to look at yourself naked with no one else around to see what you're REALLY made of. flesh and bone and WHATELSE? I don't know yet... i haven't figured it out maybe a mix of cotton candy and a nice steak. I don't know what i'm saying... something i've said before like nothing is good or bad just different. Where did this year go? What happened? Who cranked up the speed? What happens next? When do i find out? and How will i know? i still remember... Today i finish it. You'll see soon enough.

This is what you look like.

Hallelujah

tears of joy
cloud your lenscraft face
as if an angel had fallen
from god's grace
and told you nothing of it's consequences
f a l l i n g was nothing until
you learned that you had to fall on your feet
without the use of your wings for god had taken
them after the fall of eden after you had eaten
and it was then that you knew there was no escape
and no such thing as returning the seed of snakes
Planted there forever growing and not wanting to
but knowing that there was nothing you could do to stop it
from sowing...

Breaking my back
just to win
a gold metal king
card to your hearts
desired kingdom
here like freedom
and heaven on earth
may god have mercy
on all that have given birth
to such excellency
when all men know that
a mothers warmth
is braver than
a mans bloody sword
true strength is known
to those who can hold their own
on this long and lonely road
back home

My lips are sealed

everything has it's place in the center

I've just spent the past two days sleeping, i'm sleepy still
my injury has almost healed, i hope